i am unable to escape the results of my thoughts. Whatever my present environment may be, i will fall, remain or rise with my thoughts, my vision, my ideal. i will become as small as my controlling desire; as great as my dominant hunger and thirst.
i am unable to escape the results of my thoughts… i can’t tell you how many times i have said, “i have the mind of Christ, my thoughts are established in Him, my steps are ordered by Him.” But the next portion of the quote has a great effect on my thoughts, “whatever my present environment may be,”
At the end of last year i spent a great amount of time learning to remove my judgements of things. Example, there are no good days, no bad days. Since i everything comes from God, goes through God and ends with God, everyday must be good. i also spent time looking at the question of does God need me. i came to the conclusion that no God does not need me but, He desires me. i also thought about the idea of being just a simple creation of God and would that be enough for me. If i never did anything to be remembered for, if nobody knew my name, if there was no great accomplishment or legacy left behind, would i be okay with that. If i truly was… just His creation. The word just causes me pause as i say it. Is there such a thing as, just when it comes to God. “Just” sounds like i am limited or handicapped in being His creation. i spent several months working to remove “me” from the equation and to make Him the “only.” That’s an extrodinary environment to be in.
Then comes March like a roaring lion and i am thrown into moving the Onething Campus. A new environment and just 25 days to get the job done. i now must design 4000 sq. ft of space which will serve us for the next three years. This is right up my alley. I GET TO CREATE! Then the building process begins and at the end of every day i can look on the accomplishments of our labor. The results of a hard days work stand before me to evaluate. Then putting the decorating touches in place that Ann Marie has so wonderfully layed out. More results, more accomplishments! i am in “MY” element as a creative individual. For a week the finishing touches feed my hunger for seeing results and all the while claiming that it must be just right for those who use the campus. The day comes to move in and get ready for the campus to open and when it’s all done i remember standing there at the end of the day, wanting a few silent moments to gaze at the results, to take count of all the accomplishments. It was like being a proud papa.
For many reason i could not get my few moments alone and so i left that place thinking that i would capture my proud moments at another time. That did not happen. It was less than 24 hours before my proud moments were invaded with some dissatisfaction regarding the results from those around me. Hurt… yes. Disappointed… yes. my finest hour was gone and thus the disconnect which i now realize was my desire for significance. i am not usually one who needs a pat on the back and i do not particularly desire nor need recognition or even a thank you, but for some reason this time was different.
i told Ann Marie that when the hairs on my arms ache and every part of my body claims its own pains, when i am as tired as i am from all the hours, when we have given more money, time and effort than we agreed to do and i come to the place where i feel no significance there is something wrong. i had recently learned that blame does not work well for anyone so began looking to myself for what was wrong. It took a week and a half but God made it clear that i had forgotten the lessons regarding my significance. i was no longer for this brief moment willing to step back and be a simple creature of His, and now what? What am i to do now that this task is done? What is there for me to accomplish? Where will my significance come from? my current dominant hunger and thirst!
This morning i was led to Philippians 2:1-4 ed My son if you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Truth be told… all i did was lend a helping hand! No more than the countless others who helped. Oh maybe i spent more hours but every effort counted. Maybe we gave more money, but it wasn’t ours anyway and as we came to the end literally every penny is counting. i close for today with the words of Philippians 2:12-13 What I’m getting at, ed, is that you should simply keep on doing what you’ve already learned from the beginning. When I was living among you, you lived in responsive obedience. Now that I’m separated from you, keep it up. Better yet, redouble your efforts. Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God’s energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give Him the most (significance) pleasure. my dominant hunger and thirst.