My external meltdowns take place because my internal experiences cannot sustain them. Part #5

Posted: August 6, 2010 in External meltdowns take place...

Many have said after reading these stories that i am very hard on myself. That could be, but if not me who then? It is so easy in today’s christian society to be mediocre. To receive salvation for the sole purpose of obtaining heaven. As if heaven were a destination or an end. On the way to the Prayer center ann marie read a daily devotional to me that she received from a friend. One line stood out to me as she read it. “We are made in the image and likeness of God and we live, speak and act as though we are returning the favor.” While my words and actions sometimes reflect that sentiment it is not altogether intentional. i say altogether because to some degree it is. Or let me say it another way and again i must use someone elses words. This individual while talking about another subject altogether said the real reason we don’t do this or that is because it’s not a priority! i don’t get my daily time with God not due to a shortage of time but because it was not a priority. My external meltdowns are a result of several hours, days or weeks of a lack of priority to build and reinforce my internal experiences as a priority.  My wife does not get what bshe deserves as a Godly woman or wife because it is not a priority on my part. Yes it is hard to write that because i then must ask what are the actions that took precedence or priority over her. i wish, i wish, i wish…. that i could say it was for God. i have already exposed the fact that God gets unprioritized as well. So what’s left? Then out of nowhere comes the following verse.

John 6:3 It is the Spirit Who gives life [He is the Life-giver]; the (your flesh ed) flesh conveys no benefit whatever [there is no profit in it]. The words (truths) that I have been speaking to you (ed) are spirit and life.

My, my, my, my, my! ed’s flesh is what takes priority over God and thus ed has external meltdowns. i need to make something clear because for many these self revealing lessons would come with a ton of guilt and condemnation and yes let’s not forget shame. i’m n0t saying or implying that i am proud to put these things in writing but face it God already knows. Who would i try to hide them from anymore than the Father. As for what others may think of me…. well…. i won’t say that it doesn’t bother me at all, but i am not here to please man and mind you i am just a man. What i have learned through these self revealing exercises is that while i may fall down, i get back up. The Father who speaks to me does so in love, and mercy and with enough forgiveness to remove the guild and condemnation and yes the shame.

We come to the end of my first week of me and I am and i must say i am blessed to be able to have this tool available to me. If i make no sense then it must not be for you. If it seems poorly written it’s because i am not a writer and i have been instructed that once written i am not to go back and make changes to make it pretty. i have used a spell checker to make it somewhat more palatable but that is all. i leave the blog for the weekend. i will still give God a … no not a but THE place of priority this weekend. i’m not speaking of religiously but personally and intimately. As i wrote yesterday i want to be a man of one thing. Saying it and being it are two different things. The stories of me and i am are to help me become that man of one thing.

Father i thank you for your words of enlightenment, correction, reproof and encouragement!

 ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of selfcontrol (meltdowns) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences) denies, refuses, prohibits the ability, power or skill to know how (cannot) to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of (sustain) objective case of they meaning more than one. (them).


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