Posted: January 30, 2013 in Wandering Thoughts

I’ve always looked for the perfect life to step into. I’ve taken all the paths to get where I wanted. But no matter where I go, I still come home me.
Layne Staley

Sometime ago i watched a movie called October Baby. Slow moving at the start… no actually the whole movie but that was okay. There was a part that fit perfectly with my ongoing “Fearless” moral inventory. i will do my best to make my point but not ruin the story should you decide to watch it. This will be the short short version. The young girl finds out that she was adopted. When i was around 12 iin the midst of one of my parents middle of the night rages, i found out that my father was not my biological father. i remember him saying to me that he wanted to adopt me. That didn’t mean much to me then and it never meant much later as it was never mentioned again right up to the day he died.

The girl in the movie went on a quest for the one thing she desired, to be wanted. i had never thought about being “wanted,” prior to this movie. How convenient that it comes while i am doing this “fearless” moral inventory. No piece of paper nor legal document would make this man any more my father than he was. i have always believed that he did his best in spite of what that looked like. In spite of alcohol, he was my father.

As for my biological father… well i guess he didn’t “want” me and i have chosen to not impose myself on him. He knows of me, yet has never made any attempt to contact. My parents probably helped define dysfunctional. But, that does not limit me in what i can do. It is not a ceiling on how high i have been able to go. i have forgiven both my parents and did so long before they died. This has enabled me to move on.

From the movie i discovered that i too want to be wanted. i have always felt needed but that is so different than wanted. It may be that my desire to make others dreams come true and to always be the giver is because i want to be wanted. Giving and being a giver does not relate to being wanted at all.

i have no doubt that God wants me as He speaks to me and directs me and sits in silence with me when i have nothing to offer. So the real question is am i satisfied being wanted by God alone?

i ‘m always saying that “out of a revelation of the Fathers love for me will come correct responses.” Meaning, i can only love myself as much as i understand and receive God’s love for me. i can not give what i do not have. Ann Marie is everything to me, friend, lover, wife, etc., etc., and i desire to make sure that she knows that i want her. i do not want there to be one ounce of doubt. So, my logical conclusion is to pursue God, as, out of the revelation of His love for me i will better love Ann Marie. Thus my conclusion is that Ann Marie will no doubt know that i want her. Self fulfilling? Yep, it is as i think on it.

  1. I thought I knew a lot there is to know about this stuff, but seems we are never to old to learn..;)

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