Kaput… Done… Finished! Part 1

Posted: February 10, 2015 in Kaput... Done... Finished!
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When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

images-6This series is inspired by a conversation i recently had in which the parties declared that they were done. i knew in that moment that i would have to share about those ambiguous words. The only decision to be made was do i share their story or mine. i thought it best to share mine so here it goes. There are three times that i remember specifically arriving at the place where for all intensive purposes i felt that i was done. The first thing i learned about saying i’m done is that you can count on someone asking you what you mean. i attempted to get that answer during our conversation with little to no success. It was days later when i did actually get the answer.

The first time i said i was done was during what, at the time i thought was a very rough time in my life. NOTHING was going right or the way i wanted or thought it should be. It was in 1987 and we lived in Lake Tahoe, Nevada. i’ll spare you the details and stick to the purpose which is about my declaration that i was done. It’s actually kind of funny as i try to recall this whole thing i can’t remember what was so bad, only that i was done, so i thought.

If your going to be done with something then you have to begin with something else. That is unless your going to die. That’s exactly what my “i’m done” meant. i spent several weeks considering how to end my life and thus end the circumstances that were not fun, i’d had enough.

Now, there are mountains and sharp drop offs in Nevada and plenty of sharp turns which can become very dangerous during the winter months.  i recall thinking that it would only take a quick turn of the wheel and it would be lights out. But in that same instant the thought would come, “or would it”? You see, i knew God well enough to know that he was my creator and that he controlled life and my death. Truth be told… i had more fear of surviving than i did of actually being able to do it. i thought, “my life is bad enough now without surviving and living without the full use of my body or mind.” i couldn’t guarantee that it would work so i didn’t go through with it. Guess what, those circumstances changed, they moved on and things got better. So much to the degree that i can’t even recall them. When God does a work He does it completely!

As i look back on those days today i realize all the things i would have missed. The marriages of my children. All the grandchildren. The many trips and experiences that my best friend, Ann Marie and i have shared since then. For me to be done was to be done with life itself.

How did i get out of that place? my family will tell you about a Sunday service that would have appeared to be just another service but when that service closed something hit me like a ton of bricks and i broke. i cried, no sobbed for over an hour after everyone else was leaving. No one came near me, which seems kind of strange as i think about it now. But my guess is that it had never been seen before and no one knew what to do because no one knew of my thoughts and my silent yet very loud decree that i was done except for God.

i really thought that i would never make such a foolish decree ever again… one could have only hoped. How foolish it was of me to think that i could be done before God said i could be done. i had become distracted and distractions are those things i see when i take my eyes off God. So… the next time i’m tempted to say “i”m done” i’ll check what i’ seeing… and if i had only listened to my own words… there wouldn’t be two more post.


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