Kaput… Done… Finished! Part 3

Posted: February 16, 2015 in Kaput... Done... Finished!
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Before i move on to my number three “I’m Done”, i want to make a couple of comments about my last post. i was not down playing the significance that prescribed medication has for some people who suffer from chemical imbalances and depression. But i was not suffering from a chemical imbalance nor depression, i was suffering from dissatisfaction which is another story all together.

images-2The day i hit the wall summarizes my number three declaration of “i’m done”. There seemed to be a natural progression. The first time was my dissatisfaction with circumstances. The second time was my dissatisfaction with relationships. Relationships that i thought were something different than what they actually were. my third “i’m done” was my dissatisfaction with God. You heard me right! i was not pleased nor amused by what i perceived as the lack of God’s participation in my life. Believe it or not i was in full-time ministry and i was spending daily time with God trying to build a relationship with Him that just seemed all one-sided.

As i think back, during this time there was a busyness, that reflected a chaotic way of life – a way of doing in which i was simply responding to the next thing in the day. The next thing! It made no difference whether or not it had significance, it was just the next thing, and i did it because it was there to do.

Honestly i felt like i had given Him three chances to get me right, to show up and make things fun, enjoyable or at least tolerable. Circumstances were again certainly a part of my number three “i’m done” as well as people once again. i found a book by Philip Yancey titled Disappointment with God and read it twice. When i was done i was even more disappointed with God and all the more ready to declare ‘i’m done!”

But here’s what happened. i began to consider what the next thing would look like. If i was done with God and the God things, then what would i begin to believe in, to do? i began to find agreement with quotes like, “With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.” – Steven Weinberg

images-4i made no secret of my thoughts during this time. This was my struggle, my quest and ultimately my decision to make. Then one day i found a book titled Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald. i understood his words as to where he found himself in the midst of ministry.  The book spoke volumes to me. Things like “Memo to the disorganized. If my private world is in order, it will be because i have made a daily determination to see time as God’s gift and worthy of careful investment.” my daily determination was that God wasn’t showing up and i was done waiting. Gordon also wrote that “Called people possess an unwavering sense of purpose” something which i was lacking at the time.  But the greatest thing i recall from that book and the one line that changed my life from that day forward were these words, “ed, your outer collapses exist because your inner experience cannot sustain them.” Seriously… that’s what you have to say to me? i have been waiting, trying to build some type of relationship, serving and all i’ve gotten for my effort is grief!

i spent the next several years looking at my outer collapses one by one and trying to see where the disconnect was from my spiritual efforts. It was a roller coaster ride filled with highs and lows. While it wasn’t fun, it became tolerable, it was all i had. It also seemed natural based on the lives of others around me, yet i found little support in the word for such a life and that caused me to begin searching in a different way. This is where i got the word “Be still and know.”

images-5In September of 2013 when it all began to change and has continued to this day.

I’m Done! Not really! As i’ve recalled these three instances i’ve learned more about those times and what’s changed so that it’s unlikely for me to make the same mistake again. i have some thoughts from the word that i’d like to share as well, so until next time don’t make any possibly foolish declarations.


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