Not Just Another Story! Part 1

Posted: March 9, 2015 in Guest Hosts, Not Just Another Story!
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On a few occasions over the past 12 years of blogging i have found someone with a story of transformation that if shared, i thought would help others and thus i have encouraged them to share that story through the meandiam blog. It is my belief that this is a story worth sharing.

It’s the third week of January 2015 and while I don’t remember the exact day it was, i remember the details of the day very well. I was in my garage in Hometown Ill. It was about 2:30… a.m., in the morning, the temperature was in the upper twenties, and I was in my pajamas and barefoot.  You might ask yourself “why on earth is she in her pajamas and barefoot in her garage at 2:30a.m. in the morning… when it’s in the twenties? Well, I’ll tell you.

I had a extension cord in my hands and was examining the rafters to see which one I could hang myself from. That’s right hang myself from! And if that didn’t do the job completely there was the fact that I would freeze to death.

imagesI have been battling with and losing to Major Depression Disorder since about 1998. I attempted suicide January 1, 2000. I slashed my wrists 5 times on the left and three on the right. Up and down slashes not across.  That’s what serious suicide people do. I also took a hand full of some sleeping meds, layed on my back on the bed, so if I threw up I would I choke to death. At the time i thought i had covered all my bases.

I was in the Navy at the time and living in the barracks. My command called the barracks to check if I had over slept. The barracks people broke open the door and I woke up with paramedics bandaging my wrists. From there to the hospital, from the hospital to the psychiatric hosp, or “the bin” as we called it who were there.

I got back on my feet and worked hard to stay on an even keel. (notice the Navy reference) I still found myself battling and losing to the Major Depression Disorder, nothing had really changed and honestly I had no hope of it changing. From then until now l have had a difficult time finding the meds and dosage that will work best for me.

Now it is January 2015 and I have gone up and down, been on several meds and had ECT (electro convulsive therapy). That by the way was no joke. I was in the mental locked ward for three weeks. The stories from that time of my life are another whole series of blogs. While it had some elements of success they were short-lived.

Now back to the garage. I was so tired of feeling like I couldn’t get on top of this, in fact I was beyond feeling tired, I was exhausted, I was done! I decided that i had been, was, and always would be a failure. I had to get a medical retirement from the Navy at 16 years. I really wanted to do 20 but as hard as i tired, I just couldn’t find it within me.  It confirmed that I was a total failure.

For the last year or so I have been sleeping until noon. I stay up until about 3, go to bed, maybe get up to eat dinner, or maybe not. That was my life, day after day, week after week, month after month.  Without going into much detail i’ll just add that since May of 2007 I have been living with my mom. In her own ways she needs a little help so it’s what I have resolved myself to accept and do.

During this entire time I’ve been so depressed that all I can think of is, when my mom goes, I won’t be far after. I have simply been waiting for my mom to pass, so I can go. That’s how dark the hole I was in was. But on this cold day in January 2015 at 2:30 a.m. I was no longer willing to wait for my mom to pass. I had to do something now… and this was as good a day as any.



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