Not Just Another Story… Part 2

Posted: March 11, 2015 in Not Just Another Story!
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I left off in the last post by saying, “during this entire time I’ve been so depressed that all I can think of is, when my mom images-1goes, I won’t be far after. I have simply been waiting for my mom to pass, so I can go. That’s how dark the hole I was in was. But on this cold day in January 2015 at 2:30 a.m. I was no longer willing to wait for my mom to pass. I had to do something now… and this was as good a day as any.”

Have i shared that i was in my pajamas, in my bare feet, freezing, looking at the rafters thinking what a loser I am, what a failure I am. I was just so tired of the meds not lasting more than a year or so, when BAM my accomplishments suddenly come to mind. I have a letter of appreciation from an Admiral, 2 Navy achievement medals, several sailor of the quarters awards rank. I also scored an 80 on my advancement exam for Second Class Petty Officer. That’s the highest you can score and I don’t know if any other Minemen ever scored an 80. When i left i was a First Class Petty Officer.I walked back into the house, deleted the note… stop! Sorry, let me back track here a little bit.

When i say that i was just waiting for my mother to die so I could follow, that’s not quite true. I found myself thinking “with my luck she will live to 90” and not being glad about it I knew I couldn’t wait any longer. Oh and just for the
record I never thought about helping her along. But i did decide to be proactive and actually take steps that supported my ultimate goal. Step #1 I deleted my Facebook account. Step #2 I got rid of most of the contacts in my phone. I also got rid of a bunch of crap so there wouldn’t be a lot for my brother Christopher to deal with. Then I became an online shopper and for several months I was buying… well crap, and when i say buying i mean that i was using the credit on the credit cards that i had. My thinking was, “what do I care, I’m not going to be here.” My final action was to put a note in my phone to my brother Christopher saying, “I’m sorry but i just can’t accomplish anything.” I then instructed him to leave my body at the morgue… that is if it can’t be donated to science. And in closing i told him that the state could bury me.

So you must realize by now that i did not go through with my plan. My hope is that by sharing my story it would help someone else who feels trapped in the life they have… which seems to be worthless. Today my thoughts are not about depression, no hope and death. For the first time that I can remember I’m trying to figure out how to put into practice a positive attitude and being thankful for being alive. So the question might be what changed? Surely it wasn’t just recalling the awards that I had received? No, that was just the first step. But a very important one because without that step none of the rest would be possible.

images-2As I shared I had accumulated that rather large and daunting chunk of debt because of “I just didn’t care.” Now that I have been reminded that I am a capable person, with talents, accomplishments, a life I can be proud of and a life worth living, “I have no choice but to care.” I have many things to figure out. None of them more important than the reality that now that “I am going to be here,” i will actually need to pay off that large debt i created.



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