So i am a guy who is all or nothing. That is to my benefit or can be to my detriment. i also have very high expectations for myself which i guess spill over toward others. Currently these two character traits seems to be causing me some… annoyance. (As a side not i am sitting here with many conversations going on around me and as i paused, at the word some… one man said, “annoyance.) High expectations for myself sometimes work but more recently seem not to work. And when they spill over to others… well that hardly ever works for them or for me.
i like things to be outlined for me so that i can evaluate my own life, yet i love moving freely in the spirit. i know it’s a contradiction. It seems that i want it how i want it depending on the moment. Organized, detailed, written, accountable in this instance yet free, spirit led, spontaneous, instant in season and out for the next.
Example: The word says that it is impossible to please God without faith. me, this self-taught doer of the word takes it and immediately finds a way to apply it. i do not consider who that was being spoken to or the circumstances in which the words were spoken. It’s in the word and thus it is my task to be and do it. Thus everything in my life must have an element of faith. Not out of form and function but because i want to please God. This is how it works for the entire word. i believe that every word is an opportunity for me to draw close to God and for me to know how to keep my life in accordance with His will and desire. It may not make sense to anyone else but it is where i find myself at age 59 and having purposed or intentionally lived this for at least 30 years. i will spare myself recalling the struggles of this lifestyle choice. i will say that being self taught means that i sometimes get it right and i have gotten it wrong as well. Experience though for the most part has served me well.
Ann Marie recently shared some things from her heart regarding me, i told her that my annoyance was not the things she thought… it’s me. i am annoyed with me. So i decided to take a look at me, and i know this may sound redundant in light of this entire blog since i started it. i have this unquenchable urge to fix me or improve me so i am constantly evaluating me. On one hand i know who i am in Christ but i also know who i could be in Christ. The difference annoys me.
Just what do i believe, what might be negotiable and what is non-negotiable. What am i committed to and willing to go to battle for? What am i interested in if it’s convenient? Deciding to be a man of God i have come to some conclusions about my walk. i hope that i am not alone in these conclusions. The words that follow are born of the Spirit over a period of 50 years. Perhaps they have become my baggage. Then perhaps my baggage has become to heavy for me to bear. So with spring upon us maybe i need to get rid of some things. It’s not that they are bad. They are all in good condition and actually have served me well but i am not sure i can keep them up. It’s like cable tv, i do not have it and have not had it for years. If you had told me prior to getting rid of it that i could live without it, i would have argued the point. Now i just live without it. So can i live without some of my conclusions. Can i live a scaled down life. Why not? It seems to work for others and that’s not a judgement it is from the confessions of people who tell me that God directed them to do something and they choose not to and they still live on for another day.What would i look like in a scaled back belief system? Hummmmmmm?
John Maxwell says make your decisions early and then all you have to do is manage them. i made decisions about who i am and what i believe and committed to them long ago… but i’m not so sure today that i am doing a very good job at managing them. Perhaps it’s because of my beliefs that i feel so alone. This process may take a few days.
The context of these conclusion words resonate within my spirit. They are not a reaction to anything other than the place where my heart is today. They are not meant as criticism of church or ministry. They are not meant as a platform to speak out against any individual. These conclusions are solely for the purpose of presenting the battle i am engaged in as part of, ONE BODY IN UNITY and ONE BRIDE. i am looking at each conclusion with careful eyes and asking can i live without this? i am identifying what is negotiable and what is not negotiable. This is what i would tell anyone else to do who would come to me in this place.
i have concluded that teaching the Word without demonstrating it is not enough for me. Good teaching, good doctrine and being a good person is not enough for me.
It used to be that i loved to teach now not so much. i went through a spell where i didn’t want to teach for myself but i wanted to teach a group who wanted to apply (however that looked for them) the word that i was teaching. i then saw that Jesus taught many more than i and He did so because He loved them not because He knew they would all do what He taught.
i have concluded that good fellowship and even friendship is not enough for me.
Don’t get me wrong i like to fellowship especially when the word is included. As for friends, well that’s a topic all in itself. Friends to me means that another person has unconditional access to everything i have, even at great cost to me and my family although for me friends at this level are both mine and Ann Maries. i have said before that i can find many to have fellowship and fun with but few to just sit in silence with.
i have concluded that good Bible studies, good small groups and good discussions are not enough for me.
As i said above i enjoy all these things but they do not sustain me. The format of these in most circles, i am just not interested in and that does not say that they are wrong. And to be honest the people i would do them with makes a world of difference. A small group because that’s how the church says they do things does not cut it for me. The leader… does he know how to lead and what to lead other than what’s on the written page?
Well that’s the first of many and i’ll reserve determining and labeling what is negotiable or non-negotiable for later on. If i may, i’d like to say that i am not a spiritual snob who thinks i have it all together or right and i do not think i am judgemental although it sure sounds like it. If i am then i work very hard to keep it to myself and allow each and every person to live out their intimate relationship with God as they are led. i only come into contradiction when someone asks me for my take or interpretation of something, and no matter how hard i try to say that this is for me and not for everyone else it always gets taken as i’m judging or telling them that they are wrong. The other way i end up in trouble is when people come to me and say that others are offended by me only wanting to speak and live the word. Oh just one dollar for every time that has happened.
Like this:
Like Loading...