Archive for the ‘External meltdowns take place…’ Category

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”

There was a church in Africa and everyone was excited to welcome a very well know guest speaker who was scheduled to come this Sunday. The songs were sung, the announcements made and then came the introduction of this great minister. He walked over to the piano, sat down and began to sing “I will.” That was it, simply “I will.” Over and over he sang the words, “I will, I will, I will. After some extended time one person joined in, “I will, I will, I will.” then another and another and another until everyone had joined in singing, “I will, I will, I will, I will.” Then he stopped and silence filled the church. He stood up and announced, “Okay now that we have all decided that we will, God, what would you like us to do?”

Moral of the story is that i need to be in the place of saying, “i will” long before i expect God to tell me what it is He wants me to do. i really like this a lot! It was a confirmation to where Ann Marie and i are right now. “we will!”

“Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, will never…never forget it.”

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i really had no idea what me and I Am would look like today. All i had from the weekend was a story i have read many times before but i couldn’t shake it all weekend. i think i have shared it in an email or possibly another blog, but oh well! my experience has taught me for better or for worse that when i can’t shake something, that there is probably a lesson or some words….. something in it for me. As i have no internet at home i couldn’t even bring it up over the weekend. i just kept recalling bits and pieces of it. i never did put the real parts of it together. i wasn’t really sure if it was about my outward meltdowns, my inward experiences or the fly annoying the elephant and that had something to do with me being on the verge? Upon arriving at the prayer center this morning i pulled up the story on the internet and read it to myself. Turns out it’s about all three! i then went back and reread last weeks blogs. my conclusion is that the story of the elephant and the fly says much simpler and possibly with more clarity almost everything i was trying to say in the blogs.
 
The Elephant and the Fly
By Remez Sasson
A disciple and his teacher were walking through the forest. The disciple was disturbed by the fact that his mind was in constant unrest.

He asked his teacher: “Why most people’s minds are restless, and only a few possess a calm mind? What can one do to still the mind?”

The teacher looked at the disciple, smiled and said:
“I will tell you a story. An elephant was standing and picking leaves from a tree. A small fly came, flying and buzzing near his ear. The elephant waved it away with his long ears. Then the fly came again, and the elephant waved it away once more”.

This was repeated several times. Then the elephant asked the fly:
“Why are you so restless and noisy? Why can’t you stay for a while in one place?”

The fly answered: “I am attracted to whatever I see, hear or smell. My five senses pull me constantly in all directions and I cannot resist them. What is your secret? How can you stay so calm and still?”

The elephant stopped eating and said:
“My five senses do not rule my attention. Whatever I do, I get immersed in it. Now that I am eating, I am completely immersed in eating. In this way I can enjoy my food and chew it better. I rule and control my attention, and not the other way around.”

Upon hearing these words, the disciple’s eyes opened wide and a smile appeared on his face. He looked at his teacher and said:
“I understand! If my five senses are in control of my mind and attention, then my mind is in constant unrest. If I am in charge of my five senses and attention, then my mind becomes calm”.

“Yes, that’s right”, answered the teacher, ” The mind is restless and goes wherever the attention is. Control your attention, and you control your mind”.

Isn’t that what the word is saying?

2 Corinthians 10:5 [inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into obedience of Christ the Messiah, the Anointed One).

Many have said after reading these stories that i am very hard on myself. That could be, but if not me who then? It is so easy in today’s christian society to be mediocre. To receive salvation for the sole purpose of obtaining heaven. As if heaven were a destination or an end. On the way to the Prayer center ann marie read a daily devotional to me that she received from a friend. One line stood out to me as she read it. “We are made in the image and likeness of God and we live, speak and act as though we are returning the favor.” While my words and actions sometimes reflect that sentiment it is not altogether intentional. i say altogether because to some degree it is. Or let me say it another way and again i must use someone elses words. This individual while talking about another subject altogether said the real reason we don’t do this or that is because it’s not a priority! i don’t get my daily time with God not due to a shortage of time but because it was not a priority. My external meltdowns are a result of several hours, days or weeks of a lack of priority to build and reinforce my internal experiences as a priority.  My wife does not get what bshe deserves as a Godly woman or wife because it is not a priority on my part. Yes it is hard to write that because i then must ask what are the actions that took precedence or priority over her. i wish, i wish, i wish…. that i could say it was for God. i have already exposed the fact that God gets unprioritized as well. So what’s left? Then out of nowhere comes the following verse.

John 6:3 It is the Spirit Who gives life [He is the Life-giver]; the (your flesh ed) flesh conveys no benefit whatever [there is no profit in it]. The words (truths) that I have been speaking to you (ed) are spirit and life.

My, my, my, my, my! ed’s flesh is what takes priority over God and thus ed has external meltdowns. i need to make something clear because for many these self revealing lessons would come with a ton of guilt and condemnation and yes let’s not forget shame. i’m n0t saying or implying that i am proud to put these things in writing but face it God already knows. Who would i try to hide them from anymore than the Father. As for what others may think of me…. well…. i won’t say that it doesn’t bother me at all, but i am not here to please man and mind you i am just a man. What i have learned through these self revealing exercises is that while i may fall down, i get back up. The Father who speaks to me does so in love, and mercy and with enough forgiveness to remove the guild and condemnation and yes the shame.

We come to the end of my first week of me and I am and i must say i am blessed to be able to have this tool available to me. If i make no sense then it must not be for you. If it seems poorly written it’s because i am not a writer and i have been instructed that once written i am not to go back and make changes to make it pretty. i have used a spell checker to make it somewhat more palatable but that is all. i leave the blog for the weekend. i will still give God a … no not a but THE place of priority this weekend. i’m not speaking of religiously but personally and intimately. As i wrote yesterday i want to be a man of one thing. Saying it and being it are two different things. The stories of me and i am are to help me become that man of one thing.

Father i thank you for your words of enlightenment, correction, reproof and encouragement!

 ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of selfcontrol (meltdowns) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences) denies, refuses, prohibits the ability, power or skill to know how (cannot) to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of (sustain) objective case of they meaning more than one. (them).


ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences)…

 There was no real definition for cannot so i’m breaking it down. First the word can: to be able to; have the ability, power, or skill to: to know how to. If it wasn’t for the other word, not i could get a little excited. Not: used to express negation, denial, refusal, or prohibition. So not denies, refuses, prohibits the ability, power or skill to know how.

ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences) denies, refuses, prohibits the ability, power or skill to know how (cannot)….

Sustain… to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of.

i am finding it difficult to find words to speak as the understanding of these words become more and more reality to me.

Today my mind wants to be in control. It is flooding me with thoughts regarding circumstances. my will is holding somewhat strong and trying to take those thoughts captive to the word of God. my emotions are on the verge…. ? Of what i’m not sure. i have no particular leaning toward frustration or anything else for that matter. It very well could be i’m on the verge of a break through? On the other hand it could be the verge of an external meltdown? my internal experience should be enough to sustain… to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of whatever it is. Especially since i recognize this place. i have been here and done this before so i am equipped to be victorious versus a victim. So what am i on the verge of? i asked ann marie to pray and all i could tell her was i’m on the verge and don’t ask me of what because i don’t know. i am well aware that silence, listening, meditation as intercession, and prayer as worship puts me in an uncomfortable place. So maybe i’m on the verge of peace and this is just the adrenaline adjusting to this different pace of life? i am so used to being on the go and moving all the time that my physical body has become accustomed to that life style. maybe my body feels like the brakes have been slammed on? One thing i’m sure of i will find out sooner or later. Sooner is my preference. i like meeting things head on most of the time.

ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences) denies, refuses, prohibits the ability, power or skill to know how (cannot)  support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of (sustain)…

my last word in my message from God is them. Them: objective case of they meaning more than one. i just knew i wasn’t going to be excited about this words definition. i would have hoped to close on a more positive thought or word like it. It being one. One external meltdown versus them which is multiple meltdowns. Don’t get me wrong i’m not satisfied with even one but it seems to me that one compared to multiple would be an improvement even if it is a slight improvement.

my desire is to be a man of one thing. Psalm 27:4 One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek, inquire for, and [insistently] require: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord [in His presence] all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty [the sweet attractiveness and the delightful loveliness] of the Lord and to meditate, consider, and inquire in His temple.

So here it is! Every word defined, completely unwrapped and ready for my understanding. my past normal conclusion would be to say i’m done, i’ve got all that i was meant to get and so onward and upward. But me, present normal, is to now practice more silence, some more listening, a lot more meditation as intercession and an undetermined amount of time in prayer as worship. In Deuteronomy there is a verse that talks about sucking honey from the rocks. Let’s just say i’m going to see if there is any more honey to be gotten from these rocks.

ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdowns) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences) denies, refuses, prohibits the ability, power or skill to know how (cannot) to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of (sustain) objective case of they meaning more than one. (them).

Proverbs 3: 11-13 My son, do not despise or shrink from the chastening of the Lord [His correction by punishment or by subjection to suffering or trial]; neither be weary of or impatient about or loathe or abhor His reproof, For whom the Lord loves He corrects, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights. Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is the man who finds skillful and godly Wisdom, and the man who gets understanding [drawing it forth from God’s Word and life’s experiences].

and the man who gets understanding [drawing it forth from God’s word and life experiences]. Here’s my understanding of this. i am going to be happy, blessed, fortunate and enviable! Sounds simple enough but i must say that there are times those words don’t really explain what i’m feeling at the moment. When people take an offense with me because i give them the word in response to their situation or circumstance. When i have nothing to say in a conversation that doesn’t include the word. When people talk about me behind my back. But the result of being a doer of the word and not a hearer only is that i will be different. Not different for the sake of being different but because of being made new according to the image and likeness of I Am.

Here’s where i am thus far.  ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my)…

Internal and i think you have the next step down by now. Internal: situated or existing in the interior of, away from the surface or next to the axis of the body. So my makes this personal and that means that it’s my interior, not the surface of me but next to the axis of my body. The axis of my body? i looked up axis, couldn’t help it, and it was of no help in understanding what this means. I had to at least look! Axis to me is a central place where things come together. i see my heart as my axis. my blood flows to and from it. The word says that the issues of life flow from it so for me and until i am shown something different i will replace the word axis with heart.  i am also sensing that i must say that it’s not about what you can quote from memory but what you have experienced as personal truth through living it out. Away from what the mind will and emotions says and more directly what the heart knows.

ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart, (internal)…

It’s getting very personal when you start talking about my heart. “Yes, it is ed, I have told you to guard your heart with all diligence.” In case you haven’t noticed I often refer to hearing from God. This is not an audible voice per say but it comes out from within me almost as loud as if it were. It is the word that is in me coming to life and having a say about where i am, what i’m doing and where i’m going.

Webster defines experiences as, a particular instance of personally encountering or undergoing something: knowledge or practical wisdom gained from what one has observed, encountered, or undergone. i have many experiences at age 58. Some good and some not so good. That’s what this blog is all about. Sharing my experiences in hopes that my children my grandchildren and for that fact anyone who cares that they would gain a better understanding of who i was, who i want to be and the reality of who i am, as i am still alive and kicking as of this writing.

when you put the previous two words together with experiences you get a broader picture. ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences)…

Now let’s put it all together. ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because) ed’s (my) existing interior, heart (internal) practical wisdom gained from what ed has observed, encountered, or undergone (experiences)…

And i’m going to call it a day so that i can spend some time in silence, listening, meditation as intercession and prayer as worship which could be another series of blogs somewhere down the road?

Okay let’s pick up with the word place. Webster’s says, “a particular portion of space, whether of definite or indefinite extent.” It also says, give place to, to give precedence or priority to, to be succeeded or replaced by.” So God are you saying that i am giving place to the meltdowns? Without hesitation i got a confirmation. ed you’re giving precedence and priority to well dressed lies. You’re replacing truth My words with things that you are hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and tasting. And ed all those things are subject to change in the blink of an eye, but I Am the same yesterday, today and forever. You get distracted and ed you know what distractions are right? Distractions are what you see when you take your eyes off Me!

i have a sense that i must apologize to the readers for repeating all this so many times but hearing it for me gets it inside me both head and heart. Proverbs 4:20 says, “My son, attend to my words; consent and submit to my sayings. Let them not depart from your sight; keep them in the center of your heart. And the reason for doing so is found in verse 22. For they are life to those who find them, healing and health to all their flesh. i’m looking for real life, the life that Jesus talks about, the abundant life. And i am in no way referring to financial. my flesh needs healing and health. If i do it i get, it if i don’t i won’t!

So here’s what we have thus far. ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place)…

Because is our next word. Again Webster defines it as “the reason that; due to the fact that.” Okay, ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control (meltdown) captures, power, or control (takes) precedence or priority (place) due to the fact that (because)…

Now i have to hear why i am in this apparently reduced state? No pain no gain?

my (ed,) so i must take ownership of not only what has been written to this point but what is to come. I say often that it’s not about me and it’s not about now but these words seem to be all about me and all about now.

I used to blog every day. Used to! It’s been two or more years since. I have journals for three of more years about my intimate time with the Father and right now I can’t think of one that hits home any more than this series. In case I haven’t said it before me and I Am is a record of the time i spend with I Am. It’s personal and intimate at times. It is also my accountability. There are readers that will hold me accountable to spending time with the Lord each and every day. You say, why do you need accountability if you did it for that many years? The answer is simple, i have not arrived or mastered anything. i am on a journey and often surprised by what I don’t know or don’t do when i should know.

Okay enough self disclosure for today. Lord willing i’ll look at the word internal and experience tomorrow.

2 Timothy 3:16
Every Scripture is God-breathed (given by His inspiration) and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, [and] for training in righteousness (in holy living, in conformity to God’s will in thought, purpose, and action),

As one of the thirteen Campus Pastors would say, “my, my, my, my, my!”  i’m not sure if i have to give her formal credit for those words or not but my policy has always been to give credit 3 times and then it’s yours. These words became an epiphany. Epiphany is a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something.

My external meltdowns take place because my internal experience cannot sustain them. i must have repeated that to myself 50 times before i could comprehend it. This could be the part of me that would appear to be slow. i prefer to think of myself as cautions. It took much more for me to accept it as a truth and then realize that i could do something about it. Thus… epiphany! i had a sudden, insight into reality. I got the essential meaning of what was being spoken about me. i would have hoped God would say,  “ed you have no external collapses because your inner experiences will not allow them to exist.” Okay so maybe i’m looking for God to lie to me. Not all the time but just once in a while.

If you read this blog for very long you will find that i am a word upon word, line upon line, precept upon precept learner. Some might identify that as a slow learner or even a stubborn attitude. i’ll leave that decision to those who seem to know better than i. Regardless of the reason it works for me. So my plan of attack is to tear those words apart and see what they really mean. There is no time frame for my stories. They take however long they take. And one more thing you need to know. i use Webster’s Dictionary a lot! And i use many translations so as to get various perspectives and then i rely upon the Spirit within me to lead me and guide me to the right understanding.

So here i go with the big word “My.” Webster’s says, my, is possessive. So i think it’s safe to say that my is, me, ed.

The next word is external. Webster’s says about the word external that it is pertaining to the outward or visible appearance. That means it’s exposed for all to see. It’s what you get when i may think nobody is looking. It’s what you get when a trial or tribulation comes my way and you see what i’m really made of. That could be an epiphany for you! So let’s put the two words together. ed (my) your outward, visible appearance (external).

Here’s where it starts to get interesting. The next word is meltdowns. i assure you i have never thought about myself and the word meltdowns in the same sentence. Meltdowns are for unstable or even partially insane people. Aren’t they? Well according to Webster’s, meltdowns are to reduce or cause to be reduced from a solid to a liquid state, a rapid or disastrous decline or collapse, a breakdown of self-control. i just don’t like those descriptions when they’re in the same context as me. But…. just because i don’t like it doesn’t make it not so. If i am to be truly honest with myself and of course with all who may read this, i must admit that i can be a little liquid in my state of being every now and then. And i suppose i have also experienced a rapid maybe almost disastrous decline or collapse. Okay, if i’m going that far i must also admit that there have been those breakdowns of self-control as well. There are far to many people who know me and are in this process of doing life together with me to deny any of the above. So here’s what we have thus far. ed’s (my) outward visible appearance (external) is reduced from a solid to a liquid state (meltdown) or better yet,  ed’s (my) outward visible (external) breakdown of self-control……(meltdown).

You may be saying to yourself right now, why would anyone want to read this guys story? I’m looking for direction, guidance, solutions to my problems but this guy is a wreck! Maybe so. And i wouldn’t blame you if you never read another word. But in my defense the only thing i have of any value that i can give away is my story and like it or not this is a part of it. For the brave of heart let’s go on.

The word take is defined by Webster’s as to seize or capture, power, or control. So to me this means that my liquid state seizes or captures power and control of me. To go one step further it’s saying that I give up my solid state to become part of a lessor state which is liquid. I go from a high place to a lower place. I move from light to darkness. I chase after a well dressed lie verses the truth. And with that I will close for today and leave you with the following words to help you understand my last few words.

Truth Vs Lie
Truth & Lie agree to fight to the death. Truth comes to the fight in full armor with sword dawn. Lie comes to fight with just a sword in hand as protection,
Lie ask truth to lay down his armor for a fair fight. Truth agrees and takes off his sword and armor, lie then steals truth’s armor & dresses himself in the armor
and steals his sword and races off. Truth races off after lie to do battle with just his mere hands. And that’s how you have the truth chasing a well dressed lie.

Truth – [Not in your strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you – energizing and creating in you the power and desire – both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight. Philippians 2:13