Archive for the ‘Adoption…’ Category

Adoption – Fathers…

Posted: September 16, 2013 in Adoption..., Wandering Thoughts

i believe i heard this from John Maxwell, “Good questions get you good information. Great questions change your life!”

i shared that perhaps today would be the “Rest of the Story” concerning my father, and it is, but not any way near what i thought it was going to be. i have been asking what i though, was a good question, “why did God have me share this story about my life,” expecting to get good information. But as it turns out i was asking a great question and it’s life changing! This may be the most vulnerable post i have shared to date, but it is the most fulfilling for me.

The answer to my great question came on Friday while waiting on God. All these years i thought that i felt the way i did about my father because I adjusted my mind, will and emotions to accept the situation for what it was. Joel Hunter says, “It is what it is, now what are you going to do about it.” i did what i thought was the spiritual thing to do, i adjusted, accepted and moved on.

God said, it was time i understood the truth and to become aware of the facts, to actually go back and understand the times of that portion of my life. God began to bring the names of men from my past into memory. There was Johnny, Tom, Dan, Noah, and four Bobs. God shared that these men were sent by Him to form a team of 8 fathers for me. That in addition to my biological father and this man who served as father all provided vital pieces of my life. Philippians 2:4  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. This describes these men.

It’s time for me to understand in a deeper way that God did not put me on earth to adjust to gaps, but to recognize more about His amazing love for me and the relationship He desires.

As i thought on that i realized that if my father had not stepped in when my biological father stepped out my life would have been completely different. If Johnny had not stepped in when my father stepped out, there would most likely be no relationship with God and no blogging. If Tom had not stepped in and given me guidance on moral issues, who knows where i would be today. And if between the four Bobs they hadn’t stepped in and guided me in worship, the word, commitment, and self sacrifice i certainly would not be where i am, If they hadn’t stepped in?

Until Friday i had no clue. i had not just one father but a God designed team of fathers to direct my life to where it is today. i owe some of these men an apology. When i was in my twenties i was disappointed and expressed it for years in regards to some of these men. i felt like they didn’t do what my family needed them to do, which was to fix them. i felt that they enabled my father to be an alcoholic rather than cure him. i wish i could tell each of these men that i am so sorry, but many are gone. i apologize to them and to God for not understanding the value they played in my life. As it turns out they were not there for my father, they were there for me. There were others there for him but these men… they were my fathers.

i didn’t adjusted, God filled. He made sure that i had men to guide me, protect me and when He said everything was going to be alright… it is!

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Adoption… Father

Posted: September 11, 2013 in Adoption..., Wandering Thoughts

It  is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. – Pope  John XXIII

This may not be “The Rest of the Story” but it is more of the story.

i never knew my “biological” father so, was he still my father? Does the answer lie within the definition of a father? i think not!

Father: a man who exercises paternal care over other persons, paternal protector or provider. i find nothing definitive about the person who contributes his sperm to a woman, being a father. The man who served in that capacity never exercised care over me. He never protected me and never provided for me. This is not judgment on him, it’s just the facts and thus i can’t find any way to call him father.

On the other hand this man who for whatever reason came together with my mother, who was already pregnant with me, and took on the roll of a care taker, a protector and a provider. This is my father! An interesting side note to this is that just this weekend as we were repositioning “stuff” i found my parents marriage certificate. i was born on November 1st 1951 and they were married in 1954. Further, i saw on the certificate that it had the words exemption applied typed on it. Not knowing what that meant i read further and found out that my father was previously married. Other than adding to the “dysfunctional family” idea neither of these facts makes any difference. i simply say all that to establish that my father is the one who exercised the best level of care, protection and provision for me that he was capable of. And… i have never felt that i was cheated, short changed or a victim because of the family i was put on loan to.

At an early age i got on a church bus every Sunday. It was because of someone who i refer to as my spiritual father. To this day he cares for me, protects, me and provides for me not in the physical sense but in the fact that he has not missed a day of praying for me and it’s been over 50 years. So I have two fathers who provide me with the same things yet in very different ways.

Then there is a third father but i can see right now being at almost 400 words that there will be more to this story because i can’t cover what i believe will be the rest of the story in this post. As tomorrow is MEASURE #8 it will be Monday before i get back to this.

There might be a question about how i can speak so highly of my so-called dysfunctional parents. The answer is simple. But God! my heavenly Father understands my disappointment, suffering, pain, fear, and doubt. He is always there to encourage my heart and help me understand  that He’s more than enough for all my needs. When i accept this as an absolute  truth, i find that my grumbling, complaining and worrying stops. i realize they did their best. As for me and extending care, protection and provision to my wife and children, I would like to think that I was there more often than not. Only time will tell as they grow up and speak of me to their children.

There is a sign that has hung in the prayer room for at least the past 5 years. While it does not describe my father as I knew him, it does describe the relationship i have with my heavenly father. 

Father: my protector, my hero, the man who said everything will be alright, and it was!

 

Some 50 years ago on a cold winter night and i was awakened to the sound of voices coming from the living room. These voices were anything but kind, friendly or those that one would expect from a husband and wife. But then, these were my parents and these sounds had become all to familiar. Back in those days there was no phrase “dysfunctional family” but that’s the best way to describe mine. Maybe we the first and set the standard for thousands of families to come? Just kidding. i’m fully aware that many have had it much worse than i had.

My father was an alcoholic and, my mother did her best to deal with it and keep the family together. Several years later during another of these incidents who could have imagined that i would have to break into the bathroom after a long period of silence and no responses to knocking on the door only to find my mother lying on the floor with pools of blood surrounding her arms from her attempt to commit suicide. This was a completely different way for her to deal with it and for me as well as i had to commit her to a mental institution. It was a terrible place and i’m not sure she ever really forgave me.

Back to the cold winter night. In the end it was different from all the others. As i awoke i heard, “Someone has to tell him, it’s time he knew.” I guess they knew they were being loud and that the entire household was awake because I was called to the room where all the action was taking place. Situating myself on the sofa i couldn’t help but wonder, “What have i done now?” Without any further hesitation my mother blurted out, “Your father is not your real father.” PAUSE…. She went on with something to the effect that he was there when I was born and has cared for me ever since but he is not your father. i still remember thinking, okay so how does this effect me. i was in fifth or sixth grade so i understood what they were saying but had no concept of what it was supposed to mean, nor why was it so important to cause this argument in the middle of the night.

My father or should i say this man who was supposed to be my father finally spoke up and said that he has cared for me like his own and that he wanted to be my father and he was going to legally adopt me if it was okay with me. Honestly it made no difference to me for several reasons. First i was old enough and had seen enough to know that my dad would rarely do what he said he would do. Secondly making it legal meant nothing to me. He was and always would be my father, period!

That’s pretty much the whole story and no, he never did adopt me, but till the day he died from the alcohol and even now, he was my father. As for that night and why it unfolded as it did, i have no idea as the matter was never discussed again. That leads me to say i have no idea at this moment why i am sharing this today other than the Holy Spirit stirred up the word adoption within me during my quiet time this morning. Perhaps tomorrow there will be “The Rest of the Story” as Paul Harvey used to say.