Posts Tagged ‘fearful’

Does anyone else find themselves living in a state of busy. On Monday morning when i get to work i and my co-workers compare notes and horror stories about whose weekend was more busy. When someone asks me, “How are you?” i bombard them with my daily to-do list. i may answer with something like “Ohhhhhh MY goodness! I’m sooooo busy! Let me tell you how BUSY I am…” And i rattle off all of the places i have to be and things i have to do.

And… i do all of this with an air of disgust and dread instead of joy with the decisions i have chosen myself. Then the other person has to one-up my busy with their busy. No wonder energy drinks are a 40 billion dollar a year industry.

So what am i so busy doing? And do i think i’ll get a prize for how hard my life is? Do i really think i’ll find joy in being busy? Is my exhaustion a badge i wear with respect and honor? Or… is being busy a cover up for my lack of joy, my nagging lack of purpose and significance that all to often eats at me?

If a day of back to back activities, work, church and family functions is not my idea of how to spend my weekend, then why am i spending my weekend that way? I thought i was wise?

What’s this all for? Why?

Could the answer be… so i don’t have to feel.

Feel what?

Feel the urgency, the pain, the beauty, the joy, the fleeting moments and the passing years. Feel what we see in the news. Feel what’s going on with my family or the family down the street that i know who is battling cancer. Feel the effects of aging, my kids and grandkids growing.

Honestly i have moments when i’m fearful of missing moments with my children and grandchildren. So in a panic i create a 1,000 moments for the fear of sinking too deeply into just that one that will pass me by too quickly, reminding me of my humanness.

In my relationships i may be fearful of the silence and loneliness with another in which i am vulnerable and exposed, so i fill up my moments without any thought. i fill my calendar with gatherings and meetings, work and overtime work, food and more food, a touch of sports and shows, weekend get aways and vacations in sun shiny places.

Stillness can be telling. Silence can stir up the truth. Maybe i’m afraid to be still. Afraid of what i will hear if i brush aside the noise and instead pick a few beautiful, slow, still moments to witness in full depth, full glory.

Some are afraid of lacking worth so they spin around in circles distracting themselves and everyone around them, proving their worth futilely in their busy lives while real life is slipping right by them… unnoticed.  i do this when i should be waiting, being still enough, brave enough to have my soul stirred to it’s core.

So here’s a challenge. Try a different way. See what happens. Face the fear and feel life. Clear the calendar of the clutter and give yourself a chance to feel your way through the moments instead of cracking the whip on them.

See what happens. I dare you. I dare you to un-busy your life.



foolishPlease click on player or link to listen.

i wonder… has anyone besides me, not done something because they were afraid of looking foolish? Perhaps  foolish   may be a little strong, maybe i just don’t want to feel foolish? Regardless of the reason, it’s my not wanting to looking foolish that concerns me. i wish there was an option not to share personally but if i do that this time, it may become a habit and take away from the integrity of the purpose for me posting. Once i spill my guts you’ll understand my concern. Honestly, i’ve been trying to put this off. How’s that working for me?  It’s not.

Not wanting to look foolish, is not just being afraid, sometimes, it’s not being absolutely sure. i’d rather not look foolish because of being wrong. Here’s a quick example. i’m not one for jumping up and down in a worship service and i feel uncomfortable not joining in but, not enough to feel foolish. That’s not to say that those who jump are foolish, it’s a me thing. Another example is when i’m in a service and the speaker wants me to repeat certain things as if i’m agreeing with him. Because i’ve not had time to process what he said, i don’t say it. It may be that after thinking on it, i may not actually agree at all, but if I’ve already repeated it just to fit in… well, now i may look foolish, in having to explain or take it back. If these were the only two instances of my not wanting to look foolish i could live with it, but they’re not.

So it’s time. This is what’s caused my concern. A few days ago someone was at the Onething Campus. As we were finishing up our conversation they mentioned that they were feeling the effects of some back or neck problems. In that very instant i felt that i had the faith and an anointing to lay hands on them and that they would be instantly healed. BUT… seconds slipped by without my doing so, the what if’s and the not wanting to feel foolish thoughts came rushing in. Ultimately those thoughts won and the person did not get their healing, God did not get His glory and i rejected my invitation to be used of God. The whole incident started and ended in less than 15 seconds. You talk about going from zero to sixty in seconds, well i went from feeling anointed to feeling foolish in less than 10 seconds. SECONDS! Here’s another part of it. This person is within the small group I’ve shared about. You know the one’s i’m repositioning myself for by interceding, fasting, praying and being a hedge of protection around them. This was more than feeling foolish, this was being foolish!

Now, i’m posting about not wanting to feel foolish and i’m feeling even more foolish just for a different reason. i’m not entirely sure of why i have this resistance to feeling foolish other than to say, in our world being foolish is not an admirable quality.

What exactly is “foolish”? The dictionary defines foolish as, “having or resulting from poor judgment, unwise, absurd, ridiculous”. Some synonyms for foolish include crazy, harebrained, idiotic, nonsensical, preposterous, sappy, silly, wacky, and zany. That’s exactly what i don’t want others to think of me. Is it wrong of me to not want people thinking that i have poor judgment, am unwise, absurd or ridiculous?

i think there are many people in the Word who were “foolish”. Or were they? Maybe i think they were because they did absurd, ridiculous, crazy, and nonsensical things.

People like… Abraham, who was actually going to sacrifice his own son. Joshua and the Israelites, who marched around the city of Jericho for seven days and seven times on the seventh day. Zacchaeus, a tax collector, who climbed into a tree just to get a glimpse of Jesus. And how about John the Baptist, who wore clothing made of camel’s hair, ate locusts and wild honey and preached about a man he didn’t even know.

i going to start ending each post with what i call a “Take Away” something i can focus my thoughts and attention on through-out the remainder of my day, something to help me pivot my words and actions toward I Am. Here’s my “Take Away” for today.

All those people looked foolish to the world, but, they were exactly where God wanted them to be, and doing exactly what God wanted them to do. And God blessed every one them.