i am accepted by God as I am–AS I AM… and not as I should be. To speak the latter would be to speak empty words because I never am as I should be. I know that in reality I do not walk a straight path. There are many curves, many wrong decisions which in the course of life have brought me to where I am now and the word tells me that “the place on which i stand is holy ground” (Ex 3:5).
i love the idea that God knows my name: “See I have branded you on the palms of my hands” (Is 49:16). God can never look at His hand without seeing my name. And my name–that’s me! St. Augustine said, “A friend is someone who knows everything about you and still accepts you.” Wouldn’t that be great? It’s a desire we all share, that one day I will meet the person to whom I can really talk, who understands me and the words I say–who can listen and even hear what is left unsaid, and then accept me. Ann Marie is all that, but God is the total fulfillment of this idea. He loves me with my ideals and disappointments, my sacrifices and my joys, my successes and my failures. It is one thing to know I am accepted and quite another thing to experience it. Sometimes it takes great effort to believe that I am accepted by God as I am.
The night before Jesus died, He prayed to the Father: “that you love them as you loved me…so that your love for me may live in them: (John 17:23, 26. NAB). It seems incredible that God loves me just as much as he loves his son. Yet that’s exactly what the word says.
As human beings we are divided in many ways:
1) in time–For us, one minute comes after the other and our time is spread out. Not so with God. God lives always in one ever-present now. There is no division. Eternity means that the whole of time is condensed in this one moment which lasts forever.
2) in space–We have certain limited perimeters. Not so with God. God is completely unlimited.
3) in love–We are divided in our love. We like a person very much (90%) or in an ordinary way (50%) or very little (20%). God does not measure love. God cannot but love totally–100%. If i think God is a person who can divide his love, then i am thinking not of God but of myself. God is perfectly one, the perfect unity. i have love, but God is love. His love is not an activity. It is his whole self. If i grasp some small idea of this, i understand that God could not possibly give 100% of his love to his Son and then 70% to us. He would not be God if He could do that. In the dialogues of St. Catherine of Siena, there is the impression that God has nothing to do but simply occupy Himself with Catherine. And that is right! The undivided attention of God is with me.
Courage is required and very often it is courage that is lacking. Why is it courageous to accept acceptance: Firstly, when things happen to us which disappoint us, we are inclined to complain “How can God permit this?” We begin to doubt the love of God. It takes courage to believe in God’s acceptance no matter what happens to us. Such an act of faith goes beyond my personal experience. Faith is then an interpretation of life which I accept. Secondly, God’s love is infinite. i can never grasp it, never get hold of it, much less control it. The only thing i can do is jump into it. The Swedish convert Sven Stolpe said that faith means to climb a very high ladder, and there while standing on the very top of the ladder, to hear a voice which says, “Jump, and I’ll catch you.” The one who jumps–he is the man of faith. It is courageous to jump. It is fairly easy to believe in God’s love in general but it is very difficult to believe in God’s love for me personally. Why me? There are very few people who can really accept themselves, accept acceptance. Indeed, it is rare to meet a person who can cope with the problem “Why me?” Self-acceptance can never be based on my own self, my own qualities. Such a foundation would collapse. Self-acceptance is an act of faith. When God loves me, i must accept myself as well.